2010, ISBN: 9780061992704
New York: Crown Business. Very Good. 6.4 x 1 x 9.5 inches. Hardcover. 2005. 336 pages. <br>The new paradigm for investing and building wealth in the twenty-first century. The Futur… Mehr…
New York: Crown Business. Very Good. 6.4 x 1 x 9.5 inches. Hardcover. 2005. 336 pages. <br>The new paradigm for investing and building wealth in the twenty-first century. The Future for Investors reveals ne w strategies that take advantage of the dramatic changes and oppo rtunities that will appear in world markets. Jeremy Siegel, one of the world's top investing experts, has taken a long, hard, and in-depth look at the market and the stocks that investors should acquire to build long-term wealth. His surprising finding is tha t the new technologies, expanding industries, and fast-growing co untries that stockholders relentlessly seek in the market often l ead to poor returns. In fact, growth itself can be an investment trap, luring investors into overpriced stocks and overly competit ive industries. The Future for Investors shatters conventional wisdom and provides a framework for picking stocks that will be l ong-term winners. While technological innovation spurs economic g rowth, it has not been kind to investors. Instead, companies that have marketed tried-and-true products for decades in slow-growth or even declining industries have superior returns to firms that develop the bold and the new. Industry sectors many regard as di nosaurs-railroads and oil companies, for example-have actually be at the market. Professor Siegel presents these strategies within the context of the coming shift in global economic power and the demographic age wave that will sweep the United States, Europe, and Japan. Contrary to the popular belief that these economic and demographic trends doom investors to poor returns, Professor Sie gel explains the True New Economy and how to take advantage of th e coming surge in invention, discovery, and economic growth. Th e faster the world changes, the more important it is for investor s to heed the lessons of the past and find the tried-and-true com panies that can help you beat the market and prosper in the years ahead. Editorial Reviews From Booklist The constant pursuit of growth--through buying hot stocks, seeking out the next big thin g, or investing in the fastest growing countries--dooms investors to poor returns. So states Siegel, an academic who, with optimis m and extensive research, suggests that the future is bright for equity investors in old, reliable companies in slow-growth or eve n shrinking industries. He presents a framework for understanding world markets and offers strategies for protecting and enhancing long-term capital. Stocks will outperform bonds and other inflat ion hedges, and he recommends supplementing indexed portfolios us ing three directives--buy stocks that have sustainable cash flows and return these cash flows to the shareholders with dividends; recognize the economic power shifts from the West toward China, I ndia, and the rest of the developing world; and accumulate shares in firms with reasonable valuations relative to their expected g rowth while avoiding trendy investments. Warren Buffet, the preem inent investor, suggests that those interested in investments sho uld study Siegel's new facts and ideas. Mary Whaley Copyright Am erican Library Association. All rights reserved Review Jeremy Si egel has done us a great service with his superb work. While no o ne can predict the future of stocks with certainty, Siegel's anal ysis marks the verdict of history: the triumph of the shareholder over the shareflipper, the investor over the speculator, the bui lder over the gambler. Strong conclusions, good writing, and a re freshing message make this a compelling and important book to rea d. -Jim Collins, author of Good to Great and co-author of Built t o Last Jeremy Siegel's lively new book is much more than a typic al Siegelian guide to asset allocation. It is a masterful, provoc ative, fact-stuffed, commonsense, and creative guide to profitabl e stock-picking strategies. Even the most cynical and experienced investors will gain from reading Siegel's latest contribution to their well-being. -Peter L. Bernstein, author of Against the God s: The Remarkable Story of Risk Jeremy Siegel is a wise man and an astute observer of the ever-changing investment universe. The Future for Investors is essential for the professional and seriou s amateur investor to navigate the new era. -Barton M. Biggs, man aging partner, Traxis Partners The professor who taught America to love stocks in the 1990s is as optimistic as ever. But he's a dded a new twist to his theory: Get dividends. -Money magazine, D ecember 2004 Siegel thinks about the future in a unique and ori ginal way, with insightful thoughts about the broad sweep of hist ory as well as hard-headed investment analysis. -Robert Shiller, author of Irrational Exuberance and The New Financial Order The 'Wizard of Wharton' weighs in on the markets ahead. . . . Deeply committed to understanding the macro-financial sector and its con stant change has made him an outstanding teacher for [those] who hunger for his brand of forward-looking economics as they apply t o the markets. -Stocks, Futures & Options magazine, September 200 4 From the Back Cover The new paradigm for investing and buildin g wealth in the twenty-first century. The Future for Investors re veals new strategies that take advantage of the dramatic changes and opportunities that will appear in world markets. Jeremy Sieg el, one of the world's top investing experts, has taken a long, h ard, and in-depth look at the market and the stocks that investor s should acquire to build long-term wealth. His surprising findin g is that the new technologies, expanding industries, and fast-gr owing countries that stockholders relentlessly seek in the market often lead to poor returns. In fact, growth itself can be an inv estment trap, luring investors into overpriced stocks and overly competitive industries. The Future for Investors shatters conven tional wisdom and provides a framework for picking stocks that wi ll be long-term winners. While technological innovation spurs eco nomic growth, it has not been kind to investors. Instead, compani es that have marketed tried-and-true products for decades in slow -growth or even declining industries have superior returns to fir ms that develop the bold and the new. Industry sectors many regar d as dinosaurs--railroads and oil companies, for example--have ac tually beat the market. Professor Siegel presents these strategi es within the context of the coming shift in global economic powe r and the demographic age wave that will sweep the United States, Europe, and Japan. Contrary to the popular belief that these eco nomic and demographic trends doom investors to poor returns, Prof essor Siegel explains the True New Economy and how to take advant age of the coming surge in invention, discovery, and economic gro wth. The faster the worldchanges, the more important it is for i nvestors to heed the lessons of the past and find the tried-and-t rue companies that can help you beat the market and prosper in th e years ahead. About the Author Jeremy J. Siegel is the Russell E. Palmer Professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pe nnsylvania. Dr. Siegel received his Ph.D. in economics from M.I.T . and is the author of the classic and influential Stocks for the Long Run. Professor Siegel writes and lectures about the economy and financial markets and has appeared on CNN, CNBC, NPR, and ot her networks. He is a regular columnist for Kiplinger's and has c ontributed op-eds and articles to the Wall Street Journal, Barron 's, the Financial Times, and other national and international new s media. Excerpt. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Chapter One: The Growth Trap The speculative public is incorrig ible. It will buy anything, at any price, if there seems to be so me action in progress. It will fall for any company identified wi th franchising, computers, electronics, science, technology, or w hat have you when the particular fashion is raging. Our readers, sensible investors all, are of course above such foolishness. -Be njamin Graham, The Intelligent Investor, 1973 The future for inv estors is bright. Our world today stands at the brink of the grea test burst of invention, discovery, and economic growth ever know n. The pessimists, who proclaim that the retiring baby boomers wi ll bankrupt Social Security, upend our private pension systems, a nd crash the financial markets, are wrong. Fundamental demograph ic and economic forces are rapidly shifting the center of our glo bal economy eastward. Soon the United States, Europe, and Japan w ill no longer hold center stage. By the middle of this century, t he combined economies of China and India will be larger than the developed world's. How should you position your portfolio to tak e advantage of the dramatic changes and opportunities that will a ppear in the world markets? To succeed in this rapidly changing environment, investors must grasp a very important and counterint uitive aspect of growth that I call the the growth trap. The gro wth trap seduces investors into overpaying for the very firms and industries that drive innovation and spearhead economic expansio n. This relentless pursuit of growth-through buying hot stocks, s eeking exciting new technologies, or investing in the fastest-gro wing countries-dooms investors to poor returns. In fact, history shows that many of the best-performing investments are instead fo und in shrinking industries and in slower-growing countries. Iro nically, the faster the world changes, the more important it is f or investors to heed the lessons of the past. Investors who are a lert to the growth trap and learn the principles of successful in vesting revealed in this book will prosper during the unprecedent ed changes that will transform the world economy. The Fruits of Technology No one can deny the importance of technology. Its dev elopment has been the single greatest force in world history. Ear ly advances in agriculture, metallurgy, and transportation spurre d the growth of population and the formation of great empires. Th roughout history, those who possessed technological superiority, such as steel, warships, gunpowder, airpower, and most recently n uclear weapons, have won the decisive battles that allowed them t o rule over vast parts of the earth-or to stop others from doing so. In time, the impact of technology spread far beyond the mili tary sphere. Technology has allowed economies to produce more wit h less: more cloth with fewer weavers, more castings with fewer m achines, and more food with less land. Technology was at the hear t of the Industrial Revolution; it launched the world on a path o f sustained productivity growth. Today, the evidence of that gro wth is seen everywhere. In the developed world, only a small frac tion of work is devoted to securing life's necessities. Advancing productivity has allowed us to achieve better health, retire ear lier, live longer, and enjoy vastly more leisure time. Even in th e poorer regions of our globe, advances in technology during the past century have reduced the percentage of the world's populatio n faced with starvation and those living in extreme poverty. Ind eed, the invention of new technologies has enabled thousands of i nventors and entrepreneurs-from Thomas Edison to Bill Gates-to be come fabulously wealthy by forming public companies. The corporat ions that Edison and Gates founded-General Electric and, a centur y later, Microsoft Corp.-are now ranked number one and two in the world in market value, having a combined capitalization in exces s of half a trillion dollars. Because investors see the enormous wealth of innovators like Bill Gates, they assume they must seek out the new, innovative firms and avoid the older firms that wil l eventually be upended by advancing technologies. Many of the fi rms that pioneered automobiles, radio, television, and then the c omputer and cell phone have not only contributed to economic grow th, but also became very profitable. As a result, we set our inve stment strategies toward acquiring these ground-breaking firms th at vanquished the older technologies, naturally assuming our fort unes will increase as these firms profit. The Growth Trap But a ll the assumptions behind these investment strategies prove false . In fact, my research shows that exactly the opposite is true: n ot only do new firms and new industries fail to deliver good retu rns for investors, but their returns are often inferior to those of older companies established decades earlier. Our fixation on growth is a snare, enticing us to place our assets in what we thi nk will be the next big thing. But the most innovative companies are rarely the best place for investors. Technological innovation , which is blindly pursued by so many seeking to beat the market, turns out to be a double-edged sword that spurs economic growth while repeatedly disappointing investors. Who Gains-and Who Lose s? How can this happen? How can these enormous economic gains ma de possible through the proper application of new technology tran slate into substantial investment losses? There's one simple reas on: in their enthusiasm to embrace the new, investors invariably pay too high a price for a piece of the action. The concept of gr owth is so avidly sought after that it lures investors into overp riced stocks in fast-changing and overly competitive industries, where the few big winners cannot begin to compensate for the myri ad of losers. I am not saying there are no gains to be reaped fr om the creative process. Indeed, there are many who become extrem ely wealthy from creating the new. If this were not so, there wou ld be no motivation for entrepreneurs to develop pathbreaking tec hnologies nor investors to finance them. Yet the benefits of all this growth are funneled not to individual investors but instead to the innovators and founders, the venture capitalists who fund the projects, the investment bankers who sell the shares, and ul timately to the consumer, who buys better products at lower price s. The individual investor, seeking a share of the fabulous growt h that powers the world economy, inevitably loses out. History's Best Long-term Stocks To illustrate the growth trap, imagine fo r a moment that we are investors capable of time travel, so we ar e in the remarkable position of being able to use hindsight to ma ke our investment decisions. Let's go back to 1950 and take a loo k at two companies with an eye toward buying the stock of one and holding it to the present day. Let's choose between an old-econo my company, Standard Oil of New Jersey (now ExxonMobil), and a ne w- economy juggernaut, IBM. After making your selection and buyi ng the stock, you instruct the firm, Crown Business, 2005, 3, It Books. Very Good. Hardcover. 2010. 176 pages. <br>After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twe nty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home wi th his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is like Socra tes, but angrier, and with worse hair, has never minced words, an d when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridicul ous things his dad said to him: That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw yo u. Don't do it for them. Do people your age know how to comb th eir hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking. The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Ok ay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then num ber two is liar. Nazi one, liar two. More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and i n this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming- of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American stor y that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during exc ruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halpern s' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaoti c, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a m ajor new comic voice. Editorial Reviews Review Pho tographs from Sh*t My Dad Says (Click on Thumbnails to Enlarge) I have no idea why I'm sopping wet in this photo, but I'm going to guess it's because I rolled in something filthy or spilled somet hing on myself. Hosing me down was my dad's favorite method for c leaning me off. Here I am with my dad in his garden, which he ado res and whose upkeep he takes very seriously. It's my first love, besides your mother and horse racing. And you and your brothers, too, I suppose, he's said. My dad used to carry me on his should ers quite a bit when I was a child--until the time I accidentally urinated on him while I was up there. We were at a neighbor's ho use and he quickly ran outside, threw me off, ripped off his shir t, then hosed me down like he was from the CDC and I'd come in co ntact with the Ebola Virus. My dad is an avid reader, and all th roughout my childhood he'd come home after working for 12 hours a nd we'd sit on the couch and read together. My family's trip to t he Grand Canyon in 1983 was one of only two family vacations we t ook. It coincided with the time when my dad started to lose his h air, and decided he'd wear hats to mask his increasing baldness. It wasn't long before he changed his tune, tossed the caps, and d ecided he didn't care what anyone else thought. Review Sh*t My Dad Says is f______ great!...Very funny, very irreverent, very r eal. It's refreshing at a time when we're all choking to death on political correctness and can go for days without meeting a sing le person with common sense. - Janet Evanovich, Time Magazine Th is book is ridiculously hilarious, and makes my father look like a normal member of society. - Chelsea Handler Shoot-beer-out-you r-nose funny. - Maxim A fun gift book that is bound to crack up anyone who flips through it. - Los Angeles Times If you're wonde ring if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the ans wer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes. - Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff White People Like Read t his unless you're allergic to laughing. - Kristen Bell Justin Ha lpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like h e is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching?and does it a ll seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book. - Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Gi rls' Action-Adventure Club Justin Halpern's dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He's brilliant, and his son's book is absolutely hilarious. - A.J. Jacobs, New York Time s bestselling author of The Know-It-All From the Back Cover Af ter being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-ol d Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-th ree-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair, has never minced words, and when Justin mov ed back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his da d said to him: That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? S on, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it fo r them. Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking. The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Na zi one, liar two. More than a million people now follow Mr. Halp ern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on th e Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family roa d trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowl s of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true p ortrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice . About the Author Justin Halpern is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Sh*t My Dad Says, inspired by his massively popular Twitter feed. SPOILER ALERT: He lives with his wife in L os Angeles. Excerpt. ® Reprinted by permission. All rights rese rved. Shit My Father Says By Justin Halpern HarperCollins Copy right © 2010 Justin Halpern All right reserved. ISBN: 978-0-06-19 9270-4 Chapter One ?Well, what the fuck makes you think Grandpa wants to sleep in the same room as you?? In the summer of 1987, w hen I was six years old, my cousin got married on a farm in Washi ngton State. My family lived in San Diego, and my dad decided th ere was no way he was paying a thousand dollars for himself, my mother, my two brothers, and me to fly up the coast. ?Why am I g oing to pay two hundred dollars so a six-year-old can see a wedd ing?? he said to my mother. ?You think that?s a moment Justin ca res about? Two years ago he was still shitting in his pants. If everyone has to go, we?re driving.? And so we did. I squished in between my two older brothers? Dan, who was sixteen at the time, and Evan, fourteen and gangly? in the backseat of our ?82 Thunder bird. My mom rode shotgun, and my dad took the wheel as we began the 1,800-mile trip up to Washington. We made it about four mile s before my brothers and I started tormenting one another, which mostly consisted of them hitting me and saying stuff like, ?How come you?re sitting like a gay? I bet it?s ?cause you?re a gay. ? My dad dramatically swerved off to the side of the road, tires squealing in our wake, and whipped his head around to the three of us. ?You listen to me. I?m not going to deal with any of your bullshit, understand? We will all behave like human fucking bei ngs.? But we didn?t. There was no way we could have. This wasn?t a situation that ?human fucking beings? were built for. We were five people, three of us males under the age of seventeen, sitt ing a half-inch from one another for sixteen hours a day as the seemingly endless highway inched by. This was not a normal sights eeing family vacation. It was like we were running from the law: We drove all day and all night, growing more and more sweaty and on edge by the hour, with my dad regularly making desperate com ments to himself like, ?We just gotta fucking get there, it can?t be that much farther.? More than a day and a half later, after twenty-four hours of driving, we made it to Olympia, Washington, where we met our extended family in the lobby of a hotel. In to tal, about sixty of us Halperns were staying there, including my ninety-year-old grandpa, my dad?s father. A quiet but tough guy , he hated when people made a big deal about him. He had run a t obacco farm in Kentucky until he was seventy- five, and just beca use he was older now, he wasn?t about to start accepting help wh ere, in his opinion, it wasn?t necessary. My family had reserved a block of hotel rooms, each to be shared by two people, but no one had been assigned to a specific room yet. My brothers quick ly decided they would share a room with each other, and my mom a nd dad would obviously share one, which left me without a partne r. For some reason, all my adult relatives thought ?it would jus t be so cute? if I shared a room with Grandpa. Grandpa had staye d with us in San Diego before, and I remembered that he always k ept a bottle of Wild Turkey in his room, and would clandestinely take a swig from time to time. Once when my brother Dan caught h im in the act, Grandpa shouted ?You got me!? and then laughed hy sterically. I also remembered that he needed help getting out of bed but got really angry when anyone tried to assist him. There was no way I wanted to share a room with Grandpa, but I kept my concerns to myself because I figured my family would hate me for being so unfriendly. So, like any six-year-old who doesn?t want to do something, I faked being sick, which attracted a lot more attention to me. Upon hearing that I wasn?t feeling well, my au nts hurried me down the carpeted hallway to my parents? room and burst into it like it was an episode of ER. ?Okay, everyone cal m down, goddamn it. Now leave, so I can check out the boy,? my d ad shouted. My aunts cleared out, leaving the two of us alone. H e looked me in the eye and felt my forehead with his hand. ?You say you?re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you?ve come down with a case of bullshit. You ain?t sick. What?s the problem here? We just drove a goddamned continent, and I?m tired. Spit it out.? ? Everybody wants me to share a room with Grandpa, but I don?t wan t to,? I replied. ?Well, what the fuck makes you think Grandpa w ants to sleep in the same room as you?? I hadn?t thought about t hat. ?I don?t know.? ?Well, let?s go ask him.? We walked down the hallway to the room Grandpa had staked out. He was busy getting ready for bed. ?Look here, Dad. Justin doesn?t want to share a room with you. What do you think about that?? I cowered behind m y dad?s leg, as he kept shoving me away toward my grandfather to make me face him. Grandpa looked me in the eye for a second. ? Well, I don?t want to share a room with him, neither. I want my own room,? he said. My dad turned and looked at me like he had ju st uncovered the missing clue in a murder case. ?There you have it,? he said. ?Apparently you?re no goddamned peach, either.? ?Yo u are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we?ll go back and forth and fin d a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet.? O n My First Day of Kindergarten ?You thought it was hard? If kind ergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.? On Accidents ?I don?t give a shit how it ha ppened, the window is broken. . . . Wait, why is there syrup eve rywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened. Let?s hear it.? On My Seventh Birthday Party ?No, you can?t hav e a bouncy house at your birthday party. . . . What do you mean why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god- damned bouncy house in our backyard? . . . Yeah, that?s right, th at?s the kind of shit I think about, that you just think magical ly appears.? On Talking to Strangers ?Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don?t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.? On Table Manners ?Jesus Christ, can we have one dinner where you don?t spill som ething? . . . No, Joni, he does do it on purpose, because if he doesn?t, that means he?s just mentally handicapped, and none of t he tests showed that.? On Crying ?I had no problem with you cry ing. My only concern was with the snot that was coming out of yo ur nose. Where does that go? On your hands, your shirt? That?s n o good. Oh, Jesus, don?t start crying.? On Spending the Night at a Friend?s House for the First Time ?Try not to piss yourself.? On Being Teased ?So he called you a homo. Big deal. There?s no thing wrong with being a homosexual. No, I?m not saying you?re a homosexual. Jesus Christ. Now I?m starting to see why this kid was giving you shit.? On Feeling Comfortable in One?s Own Skin ?It?s my house. I?ll wear clothes when I want to wear clothes, an d I?ll be naked when I want to be naked. The fact that your frie nds are coming over shortly is inconsequential to that?aka I don ?t give a shit.? (Continues...) Excerpted from Shit My Father Saysby Justin Halpern Copyright © 2010 by Justin Halpern. Excerpt ed by permission of HarperCollins. All rights reserved. No part o f this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Bo ok Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. </div Review Sh*t My Dad Says is f______ great!...Very funny, very irreverent, very real. It's refreshing at a time when we're all choking to death on political correctness and can go for days without meeting a single person with common sense. - Janet Evano vich, Time Magazine This book is ridiculously hilarious, and mak es my father look like a normal member of society. - Chelsea Hand ler Shoot-beer-out-your-nose funny. - Maxim A fun gift book tha t is bound to crack up anyone who flips through it. - Los Angeles Times If you're wondering if there is a real man behind the quo tes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes. - Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff Wh ite People Like Read this unless you're allergic to laughing. - Kristen Bell Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter o ut of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching?and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a reall y, really funny book. - Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club Justin Halpern 's dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He's brilliant, and his son's book is absolutely hilarious. - A.J . Jacobs, New York Times bestselling author of The Know-It-All From the Back Cover After being dumped by his longtime girlfrien d, twenty-eight-year-old Ju, It Books, 2010, 3<
| nzl, nzl | Biblio.co.uk |
2010, ISBN: 9780061992704
It Books. Very Good. Hardcover. 2010. 176 pages. <br>After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twe nty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home wi th his seve… Mehr…
It Books. Very Good. Hardcover. 2010. 176 pages. <br>After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twe nty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home wi th his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is like Socra tes, but angrier, and with worse hair, has never minced words, an d when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridicul ous things his dad said to him: That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw yo u. Don't do it for them. Do people your age know how to comb th eir hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking. The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Ok ay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then num ber two is liar. Nazi one, liar two. More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and i n this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming- of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American stor y that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during exc ruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halpern s' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaoti c, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a m ajor new comic voice. Editorial Reviews Review Pho tographs from Sh*t My Dad Says (Click on Thumbnails to Enlarge) I have no idea why I'm sopping wet in this photo, but I'm going to guess it's because I rolled in something filthy or spilled somet hing on myself. Hosing me down was my dad's favorite method for c leaning me off. Here I am with my dad in his garden, which he ado res and whose upkeep he takes very seriously. It's my first love, besides your mother and horse racing. And you and your brothers, too, I suppose, he's said. My dad used to carry me on his should ers quite a bit when I was a child--until the time I accidentally urinated on him while I was up there. We were at a neighbor's ho use and he quickly ran outside, threw me off, ripped off his shir t, then hosed me down like he was from the CDC and I'd come in co ntact with the Ebola Virus. My dad is an avid reader, and all th roughout my childhood he'd come home after working for 12 hours a nd we'd sit on the couch and read together. My family's trip to t he Grand Canyon in 1983 was one of only two family vacations we t ook. It coincided with the time when my dad started to lose his h air, and decided he'd wear hats to mask his increasing baldness. It wasn't long before he changed his tune, tossed the caps, and d ecided he didn't care what anyone else thought. Review Sh*t My Dad Says is f______ great!...Very funny, very irreverent, very r eal. It's refreshing at a time when we're all choking to death on political correctness and can go for days without meeting a sing le person with common sense. - Janet Evanovich, Time Magazine Th is book is ridiculously hilarious, and makes my father look like a normal member of society. - Chelsea Handler Shoot-beer-out-you r-nose funny. - Maxim A fun gift book that is bound to crack up anyone who flips through it. - Los Angeles Times If you're wonde ring if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the ans wer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes. - Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff White People Like Read t his unless you're allergic to laughing. - Kristen Bell Justin Ha lpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like h e is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching?and does it a ll seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book. - Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Gi rls' Action-Adventure Club Justin Halpern's dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He's brilliant, and his son's book is absolutely hilarious. - A.J. Jacobs, New York Time s bestselling author of The Know-It-All From the Back Cover Af ter being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-ol d Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-th ree-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair, has never minced words, and when Justin mov ed back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his da d said to him: That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? S on, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it fo r them. Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking. The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Na zi one, liar two. More than a million people now follow Mr. Halp ern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on th e Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family roa d trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowl s of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true p ortrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice . About the Author Justin Halpern is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Sh*t My Dad Says, inspired by his massively popular Twitter feed. SPOILER ALERT: He lives with his wife in L os Angeles. Excerpt. ® Reprinted by permission. All rights rese rved. Shit My Father Says By Justin Halpern HarperCollins Copy right © 2010 Justin Halpern All right reserved. ISBN: 978-0-06-19 9270-4 Chapter One ?Well, what the fuck makes you think Grandpa wants to sleep in the same room as you?? In the summer of 1987, w hen I was six years old, my cousin got married on a farm in Washi ngton State. My family lived in San Diego, and my dad decided th ere was no way he was paying a thousand dollars for himself, my mother, my two brothers, and me to fly up the coast. ?Why am I g oing to pay two hundred dollars so a six-year-old can see a wedd ing?? he said to my mother. ?You think that?s a moment Justin ca res about? Two years ago he was still shitting in his pants. If everyone has to go, we?re driving.? And so we did. I squished in between my two older brothers? Dan, who was sixteen at the time, and Evan, fourteen and gangly? in the backseat of our ?82 Thunder bird. My mom rode shotgun, and my dad took the wheel as we began the 1,800-mile trip up to Washington. We made it about four mile s before my brothers and I started tormenting one another, which mostly consisted of them hitting me and saying stuff like, ?How come you?re sitting like a gay? I bet it?s ?cause you?re a gay. ? My dad dramatically swerved off to the side of the road, tires squealing in our wake, and whipped his head around to the three of us. ?You listen to me. I?m not going to deal with any of your bullshit, understand? We will all behave like human fucking bei ngs.? But we didn?t. There was no way we could have. This wasn?t a situation that ?human fucking beings? were built for. We were five people, three of us males under the age of seventeen, sitt ing a half-inch from one another for sixteen hours a day as the seemingly endless highway inched by. This was not a normal sights eeing family vacation. It was like we were running from the law: We drove all day and all night, growing more and more sweaty and on edge by the hour, with my dad regularly making desperate com ments to himself like, ?We just gotta fucking get there, it can?t be that much farther.? More than a day and a half later, after twenty-four hours of driving, we made it to Olympia, Washington, where we met our extended family in the lobby of a hotel. In to tal, about sixty of us Halperns were staying there, including my ninety-year-old grandpa, my dad?s father. A quiet but tough guy , he hated when people made a big deal about him. He had run a t obacco farm in Kentucky until he was seventy- five, and just beca use he was older now, he wasn?t about to start accepting help wh ere, in his opinion, it wasn?t necessary. My family had reserved a block of hotel rooms, each to be shared by two people, but no one had been assigned to a specific room yet. My brothers quick ly decided they would share a room with each other, and my mom a nd dad would obviously share one, which left me without a partne r. For some reason, all my adult relatives thought ?it would jus t be so cute? if I shared a room with Grandpa. Grandpa had staye d with us in San Diego before, and I remembered that he always k ept a bottle of Wild Turkey in his room, and would clandestinely take a swig from time to time. Once when my brother Dan caught h im in the act, Grandpa shouted ?You got me!? and then laughed hy sterically. I also remembered that he needed help getting out of bed but got really angry when anyone tried to assist him. There was no way I wanted to share a room with Grandpa, but I kept my concerns to myself because I figured my family would hate me for being so unfriendly. So, like any six-year-old who doesn?t want to do something, I faked being sick, which attracted a lot more attention to me. Upon hearing that I wasn?t feeling well, my au nts hurried me down the carpeted hallway to my parents? room and burst into it like it was an episode of ER. ?Okay, everyone cal m down, goddamn it. Now leave, so I can check out the boy,? my d ad shouted. My aunts cleared out, leaving the two of us alone. H e looked me in the eye and felt my forehead with his hand. ?You say you?re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you?ve come down with a case of bullshit. You ain?t sick. What?s the problem here? We just drove a goddamned continent, and I?m tired. Spit it out.? ? Everybody wants me to share a room with Grandpa, but I don?t wan t to,? I replied. ?Well, what the fuck makes you think Grandpa w ants to sleep in the same room as you?? I hadn?t thought about t hat. ?I don?t know.? ?Well, let?s go ask him.? We walked down the hallway to the room Grandpa had staked out. He was busy getting ready for bed. ?Look here, Dad. Justin doesn?t want to share a room with you. What do you think about that?? I cowered behind m y dad?s leg, as he kept shoving me away toward my grandfather to make me face him. Grandpa looked me in the eye for a second. ? Well, I don?t want to share a room with him, neither. I want my own room,? he said. My dad turned and looked at me like he had ju st uncovered the missing clue in a murder case. ?There you have it,? he said. ?Apparently you?re no goddamned peach, either.? ?Yo u are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we?ll go back and forth and fin d a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet.? O n My First Day of Kindergarten ?You thought it was hard? If kind ergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.? On Accidents ?I don?t give a shit how it ha ppened, the window is broken. . . . Wait, why is there syrup eve rywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened. Let?s hear it.? On My Seventh Birthday Party ?No, you can?t hav e a bouncy house at your birthday party. . . . What do you mean why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god- damned bouncy house in our backyard? . . . Yeah, that?s right, th at?s the kind of shit I think about, that you just think magical ly appears.? On Talking to Strangers ?Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don?t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.? On Table Manners ?Jesus Christ, can we have one dinner where you don?t spill som ething? . . . No, Joni, he does do it on purpose, because if he doesn?t, that means he?s just mentally handicapped, and none of t he tests showed that.? On Crying ?I had no problem with you cry ing. My only concern was with the snot that was coming out of yo ur nose. Where does that go? On your hands, your shirt? That?s n o good. Oh, Jesus, don?t start crying.? On Spending the Night at a Friend?s House for the First Time ?Try not to piss yourself.? On Being Teased ?So he called you a homo. Big deal. There?s no thing wrong with being a homosexual. No, I?m not saying you?re a homosexual. Jesus Christ. Now I?m starting to see why this kid was giving you shit.? On Feeling Comfortable in One?s Own Skin ?It?s my house. I?ll wear clothes when I want to wear clothes, an d I?ll be naked when I want to be naked. The fact that your frie nds are coming over shortly is inconsequential to that?aka I don ?t give a shit.? (Continues...) Excerpted from Shit My Father Saysby Justin Halpern Copyright © 2010 by Justin Halpern. Excerpt ed by permission of HarperCollins. All rights reserved. No part o f this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Bo ok Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. </div Review Sh*t My Dad Says is f______ great!...Very funny, very irreverent, very real. It's refreshing at a time when we're all choking to death on political correctness and can go for days without meeting a single person with common sense. - Janet Evano vich, Time Magazine This book is ridiculously hilarious, and mak es my father look like a normal member of society. - Chelsea Hand ler Shoot-beer-out-your-nose funny. - Maxim A fun gift book tha t is bound to crack up anyone who flips through it. - Los Angeles Times If you're wondering if there is a real man behind the quo tes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes. - Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff Wh ite People Like Read this unless you're allergic to laughing. - Kristen Bell Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter o ut of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching?and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a reall y, really funny book. - Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club Justin Halpern 's dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He's brilliant, and his son's book is absolutely hilarious. - A.J . Jacobs, New York Times bestselling author of The Know-It-All From the Back Cover After being dumped by his longtime girlfrien d, twenty-eight-year-old Ju, It Books, 2010, 3<
| Biblio.co.uk |
1991, ISBN: 9780061992704
Scholastic, Australia, 1991. Medium Trade Paperback. Good. Medium Trade Paperback. *** PUBLISHING DETAILS: Scholastic, Australia, 1991. *** CONDITION: This book is in good condition.… Mehr…
Scholastic, Australia, 1991. Medium Trade Paperback. Good. Medium Trade Paperback. *** PUBLISHING DETAILS: Scholastic, Australia, 1991. *** CONDITION: This book is in good condition. More specifically: Covers have moderate creasing. Spine is uncreased. . Pages are reasonably tanned. *** ABOUT THIS BOOK: Karen the spy. For New Year's Eve, Karen thinks everyone should make a promise. Hannie is going to stop biting her nails. Kristy promises not to talk to her boyfriend on the phone so much. And Karen makes the most promises of all - nine! But pretty soon, everyone starts breaking their promises. And her brothers and sisters are calling Karen a spy! Poor Karen. Why is everyone being bad except her? *** Quantity Available: 1. Category: Children & Young Adult; teenage Fiction; ISBN: 0590725661. ISBN/EAN: 9780590725668. Inventory No: 10050598.. 9780590725668, Scholastic, 1991, 2.5, After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is "like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair," has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:"That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.""Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking.""The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.", 0<
| aus, usa | Biblio.co.uk |
ISBN: 9780061992704
It Books. Hardcover. POOR. Noticeably used book. Heavy wear to cover. Pages contain marginal notes, underlining, and or highlighting. Possible ex library copy, with all the markings/sti… Mehr…
It Books. Hardcover. POOR. Noticeably used book. Heavy wear to cover. Pages contain marginal notes, underlining, and or highlighting. Possible ex library copy, with all the markings/stickers of that library. Accessories such as CD, codes, toys, and dust jackets may not be included., It Books, 1<
| Biblio.co.uk |
ISBN: 9780061992704
In the vein of bestselling humor collections by Chelsea Handler, David Sedaris, and Laurie Notaro, "Sh*t My Dad Says" is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship f… Mehr…
In the vein of bestselling humor collections by Chelsea Handler, David Sedaris, and Laurie Notaro, "Sh*t My Dad Says" is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice. Media > Book, [PU: Harper & Row; Collins; HarperCollins]<
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2010, ISBN: 9780061992704
New York: Crown Business. Very Good. 6.4 x 1 x 9.5 inches. Hardcover. 2005. 336 pages. <br>The new paradigm for investing and building wealth in the twenty-first century. The Futur… Mehr…
New York: Crown Business. Very Good. 6.4 x 1 x 9.5 inches. Hardcover. 2005. 336 pages. <br>The new paradigm for investing and building wealth in the twenty-first century. The Future for Investors reveals ne w strategies that take advantage of the dramatic changes and oppo rtunities that will appear in world markets. Jeremy Siegel, one of the world's top investing experts, has taken a long, hard, and in-depth look at the market and the stocks that investors should acquire to build long-term wealth. His surprising finding is tha t the new technologies, expanding industries, and fast-growing co untries that stockholders relentlessly seek in the market often l ead to poor returns. In fact, growth itself can be an investment trap, luring investors into overpriced stocks and overly competit ive industries. The Future for Investors shatters conventional wisdom and provides a framework for picking stocks that will be l ong-term winners. While technological innovation spurs economic g rowth, it has not been kind to investors. Instead, companies that have marketed tried-and-true products for decades in slow-growth or even declining industries have superior returns to firms that develop the bold and the new. Industry sectors many regard as di nosaurs-railroads and oil companies, for example-have actually be at the market. Professor Siegel presents these strategies within the context of the coming shift in global economic power and the demographic age wave that will sweep the United States, Europe, and Japan. Contrary to the popular belief that these economic and demographic trends doom investors to poor returns, Professor Sie gel explains the True New Economy and how to take advantage of th e coming surge in invention, discovery, and economic growth. Th e faster the world changes, the more important it is for investor s to heed the lessons of the past and find the tried-and-true com panies that can help you beat the market and prosper in the years ahead. Editorial Reviews From Booklist The constant pursuit of growth--through buying hot stocks, seeking out the next big thin g, or investing in the fastest growing countries--dooms investors to poor returns. So states Siegel, an academic who, with optimis m and extensive research, suggests that the future is bright for equity investors in old, reliable companies in slow-growth or eve n shrinking industries. He presents a framework for understanding world markets and offers strategies for protecting and enhancing long-term capital. Stocks will outperform bonds and other inflat ion hedges, and he recommends supplementing indexed portfolios us ing three directives--buy stocks that have sustainable cash flows and return these cash flows to the shareholders with dividends; recognize the economic power shifts from the West toward China, I ndia, and the rest of the developing world; and accumulate shares in firms with reasonable valuations relative to their expected g rowth while avoiding trendy investments. Warren Buffet, the preem inent investor, suggests that those interested in investments sho uld study Siegel's new facts and ideas. Mary Whaley Copyright Am erican Library Association. All rights reserved Review Jeremy Si egel has done us a great service with his superb work. While no o ne can predict the future of stocks with certainty, Siegel's anal ysis marks the verdict of history: the triumph of the shareholder over the shareflipper, the investor over the speculator, the bui lder over the gambler. Strong conclusions, good writing, and a re freshing message make this a compelling and important book to rea d. -Jim Collins, author of Good to Great and co-author of Built t o Last Jeremy Siegel's lively new book is much more than a typic al Siegelian guide to asset allocation. It is a masterful, provoc ative, fact-stuffed, commonsense, and creative guide to profitabl e stock-picking strategies. Even the most cynical and experienced investors will gain from reading Siegel's latest contribution to their well-being. -Peter L. Bernstein, author of Against the God s: The Remarkable Story of Risk Jeremy Siegel is a wise man and an astute observer of the ever-changing investment universe. The Future for Investors is essential for the professional and seriou s amateur investor to navigate the new era. -Barton M. Biggs, man aging partner, Traxis Partners The professor who taught America to love stocks in the 1990s is as optimistic as ever. But he's a dded a new twist to his theory: Get dividends. -Money magazine, D ecember 2004 Siegel thinks about the future in a unique and ori ginal way, with insightful thoughts about the broad sweep of hist ory as well as hard-headed investment analysis. -Robert Shiller, author of Irrational Exuberance and The New Financial Order The 'Wizard of Wharton' weighs in on the markets ahead. . . . Deeply committed to understanding the macro-financial sector and its con stant change has made him an outstanding teacher for [those] who hunger for his brand of forward-looking economics as they apply t o the markets. -Stocks, Futures & Options magazine, September 200 4 From the Back Cover The new paradigm for investing and buildin g wealth in the twenty-first century. The Future for Investors re veals new strategies that take advantage of the dramatic changes and opportunities that will appear in world markets. Jeremy Sieg el, one of the world's top investing experts, has taken a long, h ard, and in-depth look at the market and the stocks that investor s should acquire to build long-term wealth. His surprising findin g is that the new technologies, expanding industries, and fast-gr owing countries that stockholders relentlessly seek in the market often lead to poor returns. In fact, growth itself can be an inv estment trap, luring investors into overpriced stocks and overly competitive industries. The Future for Investors shatters conven tional wisdom and provides a framework for picking stocks that wi ll be long-term winners. While technological innovation spurs eco nomic growth, it has not been kind to investors. Instead, compani es that have marketed tried-and-true products for decades in slow -growth or even declining industries have superior returns to fir ms that develop the bold and the new. Industry sectors many regar d as dinosaurs--railroads and oil companies, for example--have ac tually beat the market. Professor Siegel presents these strategi es within the context of the coming shift in global economic powe r and the demographic age wave that will sweep the United States, Europe, and Japan. Contrary to the popular belief that these eco nomic and demographic trends doom investors to poor returns, Prof essor Siegel explains the True New Economy and how to take advant age of the coming surge in invention, discovery, and economic gro wth. The faster the worldchanges, the more important it is for i nvestors to heed the lessons of the past and find the tried-and-t rue companies that can help you beat the market and prosper in th e years ahead. About the Author Jeremy J. Siegel is the Russell E. Palmer Professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pe nnsylvania. Dr. Siegel received his Ph.D. in economics from M.I.T . and is the author of the classic and influential Stocks for the Long Run. Professor Siegel writes and lectures about the economy and financial markets and has appeared on CNN, CNBC, NPR, and ot her networks. He is a regular columnist for Kiplinger's and has c ontributed op-eds and articles to the Wall Street Journal, Barron 's, the Financial Times, and other national and international new s media. Excerpt. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Chapter One: The Growth Trap The speculative public is incorrig ible. It will buy anything, at any price, if there seems to be so me action in progress. It will fall for any company identified wi th franchising, computers, electronics, science, technology, or w hat have you when the particular fashion is raging. Our readers, sensible investors all, are of course above such foolishness. -Be njamin Graham, The Intelligent Investor, 1973 The future for inv estors is bright. Our world today stands at the brink of the grea test burst of invention, discovery, and economic growth ever know n. The pessimists, who proclaim that the retiring baby boomers wi ll bankrupt Social Security, upend our private pension systems, a nd crash the financial markets, are wrong. Fundamental demograph ic and economic forces are rapidly shifting the center of our glo bal economy eastward. Soon the United States, Europe, and Japan w ill no longer hold center stage. By the middle of this century, t he combined economies of China and India will be larger than the developed world's. How should you position your portfolio to tak e advantage of the dramatic changes and opportunities that will a ppear in the world markets? To succeed in this rapidly changing environment, investors must grasp a very important and counterint uitive aspect of growth that I call the the growth trap. The gro wth trap seduces investors into overpaying for the very firms and industries that drive innovation and spearhead economic expansio n. This relentless pursuit of growth-through buying hot stocks, s eeking exciting new technologies, or investing in the fastest-gro wing countries-dooms investors to poor returns. In fact, history shows that many of the best-performing investments are instead fo und in shrinking industries and in slower-growing countries. Iro nically, the faster the world changes, the more important it is f or investors to heed the lessons of the past. Investors who are a lert to the growth trap and learn the principles of successful in vesting revealed in this book will prosper during the unprecedent ed changes that will transform the world economy. The Fruits of Technology No one can deny the importance of technology. Its dev elopment has been the single greatest force in world history. Ear ly advances in agriculture, metallurgy, and transportation spurre d the growth of population and the formation of great empires. Th roughout history, those who possessed technological superiority, such as steel, warships, gunpowder, airpower, and most recently n uclear weapons, have won the decisive battles that allowed them t o rule over vast parts of the earth-or to stop others from doing so. In time, the impact of technology spread far beyond the mili tary sphere. Technology has allowed economies to produce more wit h less: more cloth with fewer weavers, more castings with fewer m achines, and more food with less land. Technology was at the hear t of the Industrial Revolution; it launched the world on a path o f sustained productivity growth. Today, the evidence of that gro wth is seen everywhere. In the developed world, only a small frac tion of work is devoted to securing life's necessities. Advancing productivity has allowed us to achieve better health, retire ear lier, live longer, and enjoy vastly more leisure time. Even in th e poorer regions of our globe, advances in technology during the past century have reduced the percentage of the world's populatio n faced with starvation and those living in extreme poverty. Ind eed, the invention of new technologies has enabled thousands of i nventors and entrepreneurs-from Thomas Edison to Bill Gates-to be come fabulously wealthy by forming public companies. The corporat ions that Edison and Gates founded-General Electric and, a centur y later, Microsoft Corp.-are now ranked number one and two in the world in market value, having a combined capitalization in exces s of half a trillion dollars. Because investors see the enormous wealth of innovators like Bill Gates, they assume they must seek out the new, innovative firms and avoid the older firms that wil l eventually be upended by advancing technologies. Many of the fi rms that pioneered automobiles, radio, television, and then the c omputer and cell phone have not only contributed to economic grow th, but also became very profitable. As a result, we set our inve stment strategies toward acquiring these ground-breaking firms th at vanquished the older technologies, naturally assuming our fort unes will increase as these firms profit. The Growth Trap But a ll the assumptions behind these investment strategies prove false . In fact, my research shows that exactly the opposite is true: n ot only do new firms and new industries fail to deliver good retu rns for investors, but their returns are often inferior to those of older companies established decades earlier. Our fixation on growth is a snare, enticing us to place our assets in what we thi nk will be the next big thing. But the most innovative companies are rarely the best place for investors. Technological innovation , which is blindly pursued by so many seeking to beat the market, turns out to be a double-edged sword that spurs economic growth while repeatedly disappointing investors. Who Gains-and Who Lose s? How can this happen? How can these enormous economic gains ma de possible through the proper application of new technology tran slate into substantial investment losses? There's one simple reas on: in their enthusiasm to embrace the new, investors invariably pay too high a price for a piece of the action. The concept of gr owth is so avidly sought after that it lures investors into overp riced stocks in fast-changing and overly competitive industries, where the few big winners cannot begin to compensate for the myri ad of losers. I am not saying there are no gains to be reaped fr om the creative process. Indeed, there are many who become extrem ely wealthy from creating the new. If this were not so, there wou ld be no motivation for entrepreneurs to develop pathbreaking tec hnologies nor investors to finance them. Yet the benefits of all this growth are funneled not to individual investors but instead to the innovators and founders, the venture capitalists who fund the projects, the investment bankers who sell the shares, and ul timately to the consumer, who buys better products at lower price s. The individual investor, seeking a share of the fabulous growt h that powers the world economy, inevitably loses out. History's Best Long-term Stocks To illustrate the growth trap, imagine fo r a moment that we are investors capable of time travel, so we ar e in the remarkable position of being able to use hindsight to ma ke our investment decisions. Let's go back to 1950 and take a loo k at two companies with an eye toward buying the stock of one and holding it to the present day. Let's choose between an old-econo my company, Standard Oil of New Jersey (now ExxonMobil), and a ne w- economy juggernaut, IBM. After making your selection and buyi ng the stock, you instruct the firm, Crown Business, 2005, 3, It Books. Very Good. Hardcover. 2010. 176 pages. <br>After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twe nty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home wi th his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is like Socra tes, but angrier, and with worse hair, has never minced words, an d when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridicul ous things his dad said to him: That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw yo u. Don't do it for them. Do people your age know how to comb th eir hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking. The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Ok ay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then num ber two is liar. Nazi one, liar two. More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and i n this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming- of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American stor y that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during exc ruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halpern s' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaoti c, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a m ajor new comic voice. Editorial Reviews Review Pho tographs from Sh*t My Dad Says (Click on Thumbnails to Enlarge) I have no idea why I'm sopping wet in this photo, but I'm going to guess it's because I rolled in something filthy or spilled somet hing on myself. Hosing me down was my dad's favorite method for c leaning me off. Here I am with my dad in his garden, which he ado res and whose upkeep he takes very seriously. It's my first love, besides your mother and horse racing. And you and your brothers, too, I suppose, he's said. My dad used to carry me on his should ers quite a bit when I was a child--until the time I accidentally urinated on him while I was up there. We were at a neighbor's ho use and he quickly ran outside, threw me off, ripped off his shir t, then hosed me down like he was from the CDC and I'd come in co ntact with the Ebola Virus. My dad is an avid reader, and all th roughout my childhood he'd come home after working for 12 hours a nd we'd sit on the couch and read together. My family's trip to t he Grand Canyon in 1983 was one of only two family vacations we t ook. It coincided with the time when my dad started to lose his h air, and decided he'd wear hats to mask his increasing baldness. It wasn't long before he changed his tune, tossed the caps, and d ecided he didn't care what anyone else thought. Review Sh*t My Dad Says is f______ great!...Very funny, very irreverent, very r eal. It's refreshing at a time when we're all choking to death on political correctness and can go for days without meeting a sing le person with common sense. - Janet Evanovich, Time Magazine Th is book is ridiculously hilarious, and makes my father look like a normal member of society. - Chelsea Handler Shoot-beer-out-you r-nose funny. - Maxim A fun gift book that is bound to crack up anyone who flips through it. - Los Angeles Times If you're wonde ring if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the ans wer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes. - Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff White People Like Read t his unless you're allergic to laughing. - Kristen Bell Justin Ha lpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like h e is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching?and does it a ll seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book. - Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Gi rls' Action-Adventure Club Justin Halpern's dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He's brilliant, and his son's book is absolutely hilarious. - A.J. Jacobs, New York Time s bestselling author of The Know-It-All From the Back Cover Af ter being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-ol d Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-th ree-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair, has never minced words, and when Justin mov ed back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his da d said to him: That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? S on, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it fo r them. Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking. The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Na zi one, liar two. More than a million people now follow Mr. Halp ern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on th e Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family roa d trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowl s of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true p ortrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice . About the Author Justin Halpern is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Sh*t My Dad Says, inspired by his massively popular Twitter feed. SPOILER ALERT: He lives with his wife in L os Angeles. Excerpt. ® Reprinted by permission. All rights rese rved. Shit My Father Says By Justin Halpern HarperCollins Copy right © 2010 Justin Halpern All right reserved. ISBN: 978-0-06-19 9270-4 Chapter One ?Well, what the fuck makes you think Grandpa wants to sleep in the same room as you?? In the summer of 1987, w hen I was six years old, my cousin got married on a farm in Washi ngton State. My family lived in San Diego, and my dad decided th ere was no way he was paying a thousand dollars for himself, my mother, my two brothers, and me to fly up the coast. ?Why am I g oing to pay two hundred dollars so a six-year-old can see a wedd ing?? he said to my mother. ?You think that?s a moment Justin ca res about? Two years ago he was still shitting in his pants. If everyone has to go, we?re driving.? And so we did. I squished in between my two older brothers? Dan, who was sixteen at the time, and Evan, fourteen and gangly? in the backseat of our ?82 Thunder bird. My mom rode shotgun, and my dad took the wheel as we began the 1,800-mile trip up to Washington. We made it about four mile s before my brothers and I started tormenting one another, which mostly consisted of them hitting me and saying stuff like, ?How come you?re sitting like a gay? I bet it?s ?cause you?re a gay. ? My dad dramatically swerved off to the side of the road, tires squealing in our wake, and whipped his head around to the three of us. ?You listen to me. I?m not going to deal with any of your bullshit, understand? We will all behave like human fucking bei ngs.? But we didn?t. There was no way we could have. This wasn?t a situation that ?human fucking beings? were built for. We were five people, three of us males under the age of seventeen, sitt ing a half-inch from one another for sixteen hours a day as the seemingly endless highway inched by. This was not a normal sights eeing family vacation. It was like we were running from the law: We drove all day and all night, growing more and more sweaty and on edge by the hour, with my dad regularly making desperate com ments to himself like, ?We just gotta fucking get there, it can?t be that much farther.? More than a day and a half later, after twenty-four hours of driving, we made it to Olympia, Washington, where we met our extended family in the lobby of a hotel. In to tal, about sixty of us Halperns were staying there, including my ninety-year-old grandpa, my dad?s father. A quiet but tough guy , he hated when people made a big deal about him. He had run a t obacco farm in Kentucky until he was seventy- five, and just beca use he was older now, he wasn?t about to start accepting help wh ere, in his opinion, it wasn?t necessary. My family had reserved a block of hotel rooms, each to be shared by two people, but no one had been assigned to a specific room yet. My brothers quick ly decided they would share a room with each other, and my mom a nd dad would obviously share one, which left me without a partne r. For some reason, all my adult relatives thought ?it would jus t be so cute? if I shared a room with Grandpa. Grandpa had staye d with us in San Diego before, and I remembered that he always k ept a bottle of Wild Turkey in his room, and would clandestinely take a swig from time to time. Once when my brother Dan caught h im in the act, Grandpa shouted ?You got me!? and then laughed hy sterically. I also remembered that he needed help getting out of bed but got really angry when anyone tried to assist him. There was no way I wanted to share a room with Grandpa, but I kept my concerns to myself because I figured my family would hate me for being so unfriendly. So, like any six-year-old who doesn?t want to do something, I faked being sick, which attracted a lot more attention to me. Upon hearing that I wasn?t feeling well, my au nts hurried me down the carpeted hallway to my parents? room and burst into it like it was an episode of ER. ?Okay, everyone cal m down, goddamn it. Now leave, so I can check out the boy,? my d ad shouted. My aunts cleared out, leaving the two of us alone. H e looked me in the eye and felt my forehead with his hand. ?You say you?re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you?ve come down with a case of bullshit. You ain?t sick. What?s the problem here? We just drove a goddamned continent, and I?m tired. Spit it out.? ? Everybody wants me to share a room with Grandpa, but I don?t wan t to,? I replied. ?Well, what the fuck makes you think Grandpa w ants to sleep in the same room as you?? I hadn?t thought about t hat. ?I don?t know.? ?Well, let?s go ask him.? We walked down the hallway to the room Grandpa had staked out. He was busy getting ready for bed. ?Look here, Dad. Justin doesn?t want to share a room with you. What do you think about that?? I cowered behind m y dad?s leg, as he kept shoving me away toward my grandfather to make me face him. Grandpa looked me in the eye for a second. ? Well, I don?t want to share a room with him, neither. I want my own room,? he said. My dad turned and looked at me like he had ju st uncovered the missing clue in a murder case. ?There you have it,? he said. ?Apparently you?re no goddamned peach, either.? ?Yo u are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we?ll go back and forth and fin d a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet.? O n My First Day of Kindergarten ?You thought it was hard? If kind ergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.? On Accidents ?I don?t give a shit how it ha ppened, the window is broken. . . . Wait, why is there syrup eve rywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened. Let?s hear it.? On My Seventh Birthday Party ?No, you can?t hav e a bouncy house at your birthday party. . . . What do you mean why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god- damned bouncy house in our backyard? . . . Yeah, that?s right, th at?s the kind of shit I think about, that you just think magical ly appears.? On Talking to Strangers ?Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don?t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.? On Table Manners ?Jesus Christ, can we have one dinner where you don?t spill som ething? . . . No, Joni, he does do it on purpose, because if he doesn?t, that means he?s just mentally handicapped, and none of t he tests showed that.? On Crying ?I had no problem with you cry ing. My only concern was with the snot that was coming out of yo ur nose. Where does that go? On your hands, your shirt? That?s n o good. Oh, Jesus, don?t start crying.? On Spending the Night at a Friend?s House for the First Time ?Try not to piss yourself.? On Being Teased ?So he called you a homo. Big deal. There?s no thing wrong with being a homosexual. No, I?m not saying you?re a homosexual. Jesus Christ. Now I?m starting to see why this kid was giving you shit.? On Feeling Comfortable in One?s Own Skin ?It?s my house. I?ll wear clothes when I want to wear clothes, an d I?ll be naked when I want to be naked. The fact that your frie nds are coming over shortly is inconsequential to that?aka I don ?t give a shit.? (Continues...) Excerpted from Shit My Father Saysby Justin Halpern Copyright © 2010 by Justin Halpern. Excerpt ed by permission of HarperCollins. All rights reserved. No part o f this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Bo ok Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. </div Review Sh*t My Dad Says is f______ great!...Very funny, very irreverent, very real. It's refreshing at a time when we're all choking to death on political correctness and can go for days without meeting a single person with common sense. - Janet Evano vich, Time Magazine This book is ridiculously hilarious, and mak es my father look like a normal member of society. - Chelsea Hand ler Shoot-beer-out-your-nose funny. - Maxim A fun gift book tha t is bound to crack up anyone who flips through it. - Los Angeles Times If you're wondering if there is a real man behind the quo tes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes. - Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff Wh ite People Like Read this unless you're allergic to laughing. - Kristen Bell Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter o ut of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching?and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a reall y, really funny book. - Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club Justin Halpern 's dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He's brilliant, and his son's book is absolutely hilarious. - A.J . Jacobs, New York Times bestselling author of The Know-It-All From the Back Cover After being dumped by his longtime girlfrien d, twenty-eight-year-old Ju, It Books, 2010, 3<
2010, ISBN: 9780061992704
It Books. Very Good. Hardcover. 2010. 176 pages. <br>After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twe nty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home wi th his seve… Mehr…
It Books. Very Good. Hardcover. 2010. 176 pages. <br>After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twe nty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home wi th his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is like Socra tes, but angrier, and with worse hair, has never minced words, an d when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridicul ous things his dad said to him: That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw yo u. Don't do it for them. Do people your age know how to comb th eir hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking. The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Ok ay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then num ber two is liar. Nazi one, liar two. More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and i n this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming- of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American stor y that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during exc ruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halpern s' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaoti c, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a m ajor new comic voice. Editorial Reviews Review Pho tographs from Sh*t My Dad Says (Click on Thumbnails to Enlarge) I have no idea why I'm sopping wet in this photo, but I'm going to guess it's because I rolled in something filthy or spilled somet hing on myself. Hosing me down was my dad's favorite method for c leaning me off. Here I am with my dad in his garden, which he ado res and whose upkeep he takes very seriously. It's my first love, besides your mother and horse racing. And you and your brothers, too, I suppose, he's said. My dad used to carry me on his should ers quite a bit when I was a child--until the time I accidentally urinated on him while I was up there. We were at a neighbor's ho use and he quickly ran outside, threw me off, ripped off his shir t, then hosed me down like he was from the CDC and I'd come in co ntact with the Ebola Virus. My dad is an avid reader, and all th roughout my childhood he'd come home after working for 12 hours a nd we'd sit on the couch and read together. My family's trip to t he Grand Canyon in 1983 was one of only two family vacations we t ook. It coincided with the time when my dad started to lose his h air, and decided he'd wear hats to mask his increasing baldness. It wasn't long before he changed his tune, tossed the caps, and d ecided he didn't care what anyone else thought. Review Sh*t My Dad Says is f______ great!...Very funny, very irreverent, very r eal. It's refreshing at a time when we're all choking to death on political correctness and can go for days without meeting a sing le person with common sense. - Janet Evanovich, Time Magazine Th is book is ridiculously hilarious, and makes my father look like a normal member of society. - Chelsea Handler Shoot-beer-out-you r-nose funny. - Maxim A fun gift book that is bound to crack up anyone who flips through it. - Los Angeles Times If you're wonde ring if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the ans wer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes. - Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff White People Like Read t his unless you're allergic to laughing. - Kristen Bell Justin Ha lpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like h e is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching?and does it a ll seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book. - Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Gi rls' Action-Adventure Club Justin Halpern's dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He's brilliant, and his son's book is absolutely hilarious. - A.J. Jacobs, New York Time s bestselling author of The Know-It-All From the Back Cover Af ter being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-ol d Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-th ree-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair, has never minced words, and when Justin mov ed back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his da d said to him: That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? S on, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it fo r them. Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking. The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Na zi one, liar two. More than a million people now follow Mr. Halp ern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on th e Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family roa d trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowl s of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true p ortrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice . About the Author Justin Halpern is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Sh*t My Dad Says, inspired by his massively popular Twitter feed. SPOILER ALERT: He lives with his wife in L os Angeles. Excerpt. ® Reprinted by permission. All rights rese rved. Shit My Father Says By Justin Halpern HarperCollins Copy right © 2010 Justin Halpern All right reserved. ISBN: 978-0-06-19 9270-4 Chapter One ?Well, what the fuck makes you think Grandpa wants to sleep in the same room as you?? In the summer of 1987, w hen I was six years old, my cousin got married on a farm in Washi ngton State. My family lived in San Diego, and my dad decided th ere was no way he was paying a thousand dollars for himself, my mother, my two brothers, and me to fly up the coast. ?Why am I g oing to pay two hundred dollars so a six-year-old can see a wedd ing?? he said to my mother. ?You think that?s a moment Justin ca res about? Two years ago he was still shitting in his pants. If everyone has to go, we?re driving.? And so we did. I squished in between my two older brothers? Dan, who was sixteen at the time, and Evan, fourteen and gangly? in the backseat of our ?82 Thunder bird. My mom rode shotgun, and my dad took the wheel as we began the 1,800-mile trip up to Washington. We made it about four mile s before my brothers and I started tormenting one another, which mostly consisted of them hitting me and saying stuff like, ?How come you?re sitting like a gay? I bet it?s ?cause you?re a gay. ? My dad dramatically swerved off to the side of the road, tires squealing in our wake, and whipped his head around to the three of us. ?You listen to me. I?m not going to deal with any of your bullshit, understand? We will all behave like human fucking bei ngs.? But we didn?t. There was no way we could have. This wasn?t a situation that ?human fucking beings? were built for. We were five people, three of us males under the age of seventeen, sitt ing a half-inch from one another for sixteen hours a day as the seemingly endless highway inched by. This was not a normal sights eeing family vacation. It was like we were running from the law: We drove all day and all night, growing more and more sweaty and on edge by the hour, with my dad regularly making desperate com ments to himself like, ?We just gotta fucking get there, it can?t be that much farther.? More than a day and a half later, after twenty-four hours of driving, we made it to Olympia, Washington, where we met our extended family in the lobby of a hotel. In to tal, about sixty of us Halperns were staying there, including my ninety-year-old grandpa, my dad?s father. A quiet but tough guy , he hated when people made a big deal about him. He had run a t obacco farm in Kentucky until he was seventy- five, and just beca use he was older now, he wasn?t about to start accepting help wh ere, in his opinion, it wasn?t necessary. My family had reserved a block of hotel rooms, each to be shared by two people, but no one had been assigned to a specific room yet. My brothers quick ly decided they would share a room with each other, and my mom a nd dad would obviously share one, which left me without a partne r. For some reason, all my adult relatives thought ?it would jus t be so cute? if I shared a room with Grandpa. Grandpa had staye d with us in San Diego before, and I remembered that he always k ept a bottle of Wild Turkey in his room, and would clandestinely take a swig from time to time. Once when my brother Dan caught h im in the act, Grandpa shouted ?You got me!? and then laughed hy sterically. I also remembered that he needed help getting out of bed but got really angry when anyone tried to assist him. There was no way I wanted to share a room with Grandpa, but I kept my concerns to myself because I figured my family would hate me for being so unfriendly. So, like any six-year-old who doesn?t want to do something, I faked being sick, which attracted a lot more attention to me. Upon hearing that I wasn?t feeling well, my au nts hurried me down the carpeted hallway to my parents? room and burst into it like it was an episode of ER. ?Okay, everyone cal m down, goddamn it. Now leave, so I can check out the boy,? my d ad shouted. My aunts cleared out, leaving the two of us alone. H e looked me in the eye and felt my forehead with his hand. ?You say you?re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you?ve come down with a case of bullshit. You ain?t sick. What?s the problem here? We just drove a goddamned continent, and I?m tired. Spit it out.? ? Everybody wants me to share a room with Grandpa, but I don?t wan t to,? I replied. ?Well, what the fuck makes you think Grandpa w ants to sleep in the same room as you?? I hadn?t thought about t hat. ?I don?t know.? ?Well, let?s go ask him.? We walked down the hallway to the room Grandpa had staked out. He was busy getting ready for bed. ?Look here, Dad. Justin doesn?t want to share a room with you. What do you think about that?? I cowered behind m y dad?s leg, as he kept shoving me away toward my grandfather to make me face him. Grandpa looked me in the eye for a second. ? Well, I don?t want to share a room with him, neither. I want my own room,? he said. My dad turned and looked at me like he had ju st uncovered the missing clue in a murder case. ?There you have it,? he said. ?Apparently you?re no goddamned peach, either.? ?Yo u are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we?ll go back and forth and fin d a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet.? O n My First Day of Kindergarten ?You thought it was hard? If kind ergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.? On Accidents ?I don?t give a shit how it ha ppened, the window is broken. . . . Wait, why is there syrup eve rywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened. Let?s hear it.? On My Seventh Birthday Party ?No, you can?t hav e a bouncy house at your birthday party. . . . What do you mean why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god- damned bouncy house in our backyard? . . . Yeah, that?s right, th at?s the kind of shit I think about, that you just think magical ly appears.? On Talking to Strangers ?Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don?t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.? On Table Manners ?Jesus Christ, can we have one dinner where you don?t spill som ething? . . . No, Joni, he does do it on purpose, because if he doesn?t, that means he?s just mentally handicapped, and none of t he tests showed that.? On Crying ?I had no problem with you cry ing. My only concern was with the snot that was coming out of yo ur nose. Where does that go? On your hands, your shirt? That?s n o good. Oh, Jesus, don?t start crying.? On Spending the Night at a Friend?s House for the First Time ?Try not to piss yourself.? On Being Teased ?So he called you a homo. Big deal. There?s no thing wrong with being a homosexual. No, I?m not saying you?re a homosexual. Jesus Christ. Now I?m starting to see why this kid was giving you shit.? On Feeling Comfortable in One?s Own Skin ?It?s my house. I?ll wear clothes when I want to wear clothes, an d I?ll be naked when I want to be naked. The fact that your frie nds are coming over shortly is inconsequential to that?aka I don ?t give a shit.? (Continues...) Excerpted from Shit My Father Saysby Justin Halpern Copyright © 2010 by Justin Halpern. Excerpt ed by permission of HarperCollins. All rights reserved. No part o f this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Bo ok Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. </div Review Sh*t My Dad Says is f______ great!...Very funny, very irreverent, very real. It's refreshing at a time when we're all choking to death on political correctness and can go for days without meeting a single person with common sense. - Janet Evano vich, Time Magazine This book is ridiculously hilarious, and mak es my father look like a normal member of society. - Chelsea Hand ler Shoot-beer-out-your-nose funny. - Maxim A fun gift book tha t is bound to crack up anyone who flips through it. - Los Angeles Times If you're wondering if there is a real man behind the quo tes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes. - Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff Wh ite People Like Read this unless you're allergic to laughing. - Kristen Bell Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter o ut of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching?and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a reall y, really funny book. - Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club Justin Halpern 's dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He's brilliant, and his son's book is absolutely hilarious. - A.J . Jacobs, New York Times bestselling author of The Know-It-All From the Back Cover After being dumped by his longtime girlfrien d, twenty-eight-year-old Ju, It Books, 2010, 3<
1991
ISBN: 9780061992704
Scholastic, Australia, 1991. Medium Trade Paperback. Good. Medium Trade Paperback. *** PUBLISHING DETAILS: Scholastic, Australia, 1991. *** CONDITION: This book is in good condition.… Mehr…
Scholastic, Australia, 1991. Medium Trade Paperback. Good. Medium Trade Paperback. *** PUBLISHING DETAILS: Scholastic, Australia, 1991. *** CONDITION: This book is in good condition. More specifically: Covers have moderate creasing. Spine is uncreased. . Pages are reasonably tanned. *** ABOUT THIS BOOK: Karen the spy. For New Year's Eve, Karen thinks everyone should make a promise. Hannie is going to stop biting her nails. Kristy promises not to talk to her boyfriend on the phone so much. And Karen makes the most promises of all - nine! But pretty soon, everyone starts breaking their promises. And her brothers and sisters are calling Karen a spy! Poor Karen. Why is everyone being bad except her? *** Quantity Available: 1. Category: Children & Young Adult; teenage Fiction; ISBN: 0590725661. ISBN/EAN: 9780590725668. Inventory No: 10050598.. 9780590725668, Scholastic, 1991, 2.5, After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is "like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair," has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:"That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.""Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking.""The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.", 0<
ISBN: 9780061992704
It Books. Hardcover. POOR. Noticeably used book. Heavy wear to cover. Pages contain marginal notes, underlining, and or highlighting. Possible ex library copy, with all the markings/sti… Mehr…
It Books. Hardcover. POOR. Noticeably used book. Heavy wear to cover. Pages contain marginal notes, underlining, and or highlighting. Possible ex library copy, with all the markings/stickers of that library. Accessories such as CD, codes, toys, and dust jackets may not be included., It Books, 1<
ISBN: 9780061992704
In the vein of bestselling humor collections by Chelsea Handler, David Sedaris, and Laurie Notaro, "Sh*t My Dad Says" is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship f… Mehr…
In the vein of bestselling humor collections by Chelsea Handler, David Sedaris, and Laurie Notaro, "Sh*t My Dad Says" is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice. Media > Book, [PU: Harper & Row; Collins; HarperCollins]<
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Detailangaben zum Buch - Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern Hardcover | Indigo Chapters
EAN (ISBN-13): 9780061992704
ISBN (ISBN-10): 0061992704
Gebundene Ausgabe
Taschenbuch
Erscheinungsjahr: 2010
Herausgeber: Justin Halpern
158 Seiten
Gewicht: 0,236 kg
Sprache: eng/Englisch
Buch in der Datenbank seit 2007-02-20T22:56:43+01:00 (Berlin)
Detailseite zuletzt geändert am 2024-02-20T14:32:07+01:00 (Berlin)
ISBN/EAN: 9780061992704
ISBN - alternative Schreibweisen:
0-06-199270-4, 978-0-06-199270-4
Alternative Schreibweisen und verwandte Suchbegriffe:
Autor des Buches: halpern, justin, comic, major, david sedaris, portrait, trefil, david chelsea
Titel des Buches: say, says, shit, all about dad, meditations 000 feet, halpern
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Neuestes ähnliches Buch:
9780062012364 SH*T MY DAD SAYS (Justin Halpern)
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